Girl you really blew my mind.

Its been a while since I posted something. To be honest, I wrote stuff up but didn't think it was worth posting. So they're just drafts...

Anyway, it's Easter! Meaning chilling, eating Easter eggs and partying wooooo!!
Nah jk. Being a Chinese teenager really has its disadvantages. One of them is being always expected to study like a no-life-loser. Luckily, I am a no-life-loser so its quite easy for me.
Other disadvantages, as rumoured, is having to masturbate with tweezers.

So, for the past 2 days, I've been getting my game on and revising in the Birmingham Central Library! YEAAAH BOII.
Today, I went with my Study Buddy Andrew (no homo on the use of Study Buddy). Everything was good, I was studying..... studying..... studying....

..... and BAM!!! Some Asian hottie sat next to Andrew. My Chinese radar was beeping like crazy and I turned to look (PS. Chinese radar isn't a dirty name for something else).
She was sitting close to Andrew so he couldn't turn directly to look. But to me, from 1 seat away, she looked like an 8!

This was a nice change for me because all morning there was only Muslims and Negroes around the library as usual.

The girl on the right. If you know her, tell me!!

I told my buddy Andrew and he glanced over. Turns out she studies Economics. He decided Economics was worth 2 points on its own.

And that was the story of how we met our first 10 (the legendary Katy Perry rating).

And nope, the maths doesn't really add up. It made more sense at the time XD

F*CK, I have no offers...

This is a slightly depressing post...

Just got my final rejection from Sheffield. Having no offers for Dentistry, what do I do from here?
I'm so confused at this point. Why do I find it so hard when interviewers ask ''Why do you want to study Dentistry?''.
Did I ever really want to be a Dentist? The answer is probably, no, I never really wanted to study Dentistry.

How does it feel to truly want something?
AND how do I tell my parents...

I'm back to square one. Just like last year, when I didn't have a clue what to do...

I won't be depressed forever. I promise.

Re: Victims of LAC

Today, I found out something very heart breaking.
Turns out B and his brother was very badly neglected by their original parents when they were really young and were starved to the point they had to eat food out of a dog bowl. This caused them to be unable to speak when they found them.

This made me feel really bad about... well, everything.
I was literally speechless when I realised that, people, especially children still gets treated like that somewhere in the town you live in. And some still yet to be discovered.

After going to LAC (Looked After Children project) for a while, I forgot why the children were really there. They were there because they went through really difficult times earlier in their childhood and I guess we must be reminded that once in a while to not mistake them as ordinary kids. Because, that is what they look like, on the outside, but they have gone through so much more than you and I...

If there was a chance, I'd like to see those kids again and do something for them. As coming to LAC and just smiling, could mean the world to them. If you go to QM, I'd thoroughly advise you to join the LAC project sometime during your time in the school to meet those kids and to make a difference to their lives.

Victims of LAC

Do any of you remember my older blog post about my friend H-ali making a kid molest his leg and ending up jizzing on a table? Well, this post is dedicated to clearing his name of the notorious paedophile.
H-ali has been claiming that the kid was the one sexually harassing him but I didn't believe him. Up until today...

If you haven't already, you should probably read the other post prior to reading this -> http://wowcoolstorybro.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/kids-are-so-weird.html

LAC 2K12 <3

Anyway, today, LAC ended and fuck yes, I have never been so happy in my life. This is mainly because, in the past 2 weeks, I have been tutoring this sick, sick kid, lets call him B. He is beyond 2-girls-1-cup.

Some very disturbing things happened today and I finally came to understand what H-ali was trying to tell me. We were just teaching our kid how to do 69+1 when he suddenly leaned close and whispered ''my willy is touching the table''.

At first, we thought we were hearing things (yes, lets face it, turning 18 in April, I'm getting old. Our hearing may be degrading) but we weren't!! We exchanged terrified glances and telepathically asked each other if we heard him right. That scared the living crap out of me.

Around 20 minutes later, we were still fucking working on the 69+1 when B just randomly decided to touch my crotch (my ''Hidden Dragon''). At that point, me and H-ali both simultaneously came to the realisation that our kid was a ''Reverse Paedophile''.

This particular term has never been used to this day but a Reverse Paedophile by definition is a person (usually a kid) who acts in such a way a paedophile may act but in response to an older person (usually to guys in QM 6th form).

I felt violated.
Never have I been a victim of a Reverse Paedophile.
And so, this post is an apology to H-ali the paedo as he will now be known as H-ali, the one of many victim of Reverse Paedophilia.He also got punched in the balls by B afterwards.

Milf Spotting

So, few days ago, I was tricked into helping out at 6.1 parents evening by a friend.
So, what do you do when life gives you lemons? You throw spring rolls back at life's face.

Me and HAli (from different post) made most of our situation by engaging in a fun activity guys like to refer as ''Milf Spotting''. Milf spotting is an intellectual and beneficial activity done by guys and lesbians. Variations include ''Dilf Spotting'' and ''Gilf Spotting'' (don't ask).
I think the activity originated back in Ancient China, where the men looked for MILTETDOs which stands for ''Mum I'd Like To Eat The Dog Of''. True story.

Well, at this point, if you're a straight girl and you're reading this post, awkward... If you're a guy, high5. And if you're one of the 6.1s, shit, don't beat me up at school.

But tbh, at this particular instance, i am disappoint. We were only able to spot 1 ''potential victim'' out of the lot. Maybe going to a Year 7 parents evening was a better idea. Nomsayin'?

Anyways, it was all for the LOLs. Don't look at me like a freak after today XD

The Crew- KO (quiff) , HAli (bad muslim), WEmma (top milf spotter)

Drinking Cold water

Despite being so TONK, I have a weakness. Cold water.
Every time I drink cold water, my tummy hurts. Sometimes a lot, so i make a frowny face D: sometimes only a little.... But I still make the frowny face for the theatrical effects.

I think I discovered this during school. In school we have this water dispenser thing but instead of a barrel of proper mineral water, it's connected to the dirty Walsall tap for the dirty Walsall water obvs. It's kind of expected since our school is getting so bloody poor nowadays we have to provide our own lined paper...

Was so awkward taking this picture. There was a cleaning lady watching on the right...

I refill my bottle around 5/6 times a day, because I am a hydrated bastard. Before too long, I noticed the unpleasant side effect. It's worse after eating oily food, aka. Friday Canteen battered fish. That stuff is like someone dunked the motherfucker in hair grease.
Despite everything, I still drink the water, being a propa dare devil and all.

Cool facts btw!!  For the ugly people, drinking plenty of water makes your skin prettier.
And for the dumb people, losing 2% of water in your body can drastically affect your thinking capacity apparently.

Sheffield Interview

Over this year, applying for Dentistry in Uni, I was lucky enough to get 2 interviews from 2 of the top Unis. messed them both up.
Here's how not to mess yours up if you go for a University interview:

1) Dry your sweaty-ass hands on ur fucking trousers before shaking ur interviewer's hand.
Seriously, this is important. They're already risking their lives by getting some of your Chinese germs on them by shaking your hand. They definitely don't want no perspiration.

Hints and tips: Spray antiperspirant on the palms of your hands before entering the room. Preferably that new Lynx Attract shit. That will get you sex and a successful interview.

2) If they ask ''You do a lot of activities, how do you manage your time?'', never just say ''I don't''
That's just plain stupid.

Future plans: Having no offers, I'll probably take a gap year now. Do something worth while. Like volunteer work in Afrika :)
yeah, that Kony shit is getting to my head.

My mum took my PS3 controller :(

On the Sunday that went, my mum told me to do some work because I had a shit load to do. Bio ISA on Tues, Sheffield Interview on Fri etc. But despite that, I was spending it like every Sunday ever since I got my PS3. Playing on it for an average of 58.987 minutes per hour.
1.013 minutes for a toilet break (only a ''number 1'' tho. Number 2 and 3 would take too long obvs)

Anyways, I ignored what she said. Cuz i got every ting unda control. But to my surprise, my mum flipped HARD, snatched my controller and threw it in the kitchen bin (or pretended to, by throwing away something else like a toaster to make a loud ass noise for me to hear).

This was a common thing she did back when I was a kid, but now I'm 17... FML D: This is kind of embarrassing, while I'm writing this...
Every time she did this, I knew she didn't really throw it in the bin, since my mum's too nice (since I was little I've learnt to manipulate my parents). Or so I hope she didn't, because PS3 Controllers are like fucking £50. So... yeah...

Today, I got back after my ISA and saw that my mum's car wasn't there :D so... guess what I did hehe...

I gathered a search party of 1 and raided my house.

When my mum's car's not there, a magic red circle appears outside our house.

First and most obviously, I looked in her room. I searched like every god-damn drawer but only turned out disappointed :( Btw you don't wanna look in a lady's drawer. Seriously. Don't.
THEN, it occured to me that she would hide it somewhere I would never look and where she could keep her eye on (no Chinese jokes please). THE KITCHEN! (no sexist jokes please).

Looked in all the pots. Just in case.

It wasn't in there either and i gave up.

Live to fight another day.


**UPDATE**  found it!! it was actually in the kitchen.

Chemistry practicals

One of the most fucked up lessons of all. Chemistry practicals. It's basically cos my chemistry class consists of finely selected retarded individuals (me included) who fucks up absolutely everything.

Here's one story:
Lately, we been using this apparatus which filters water from a solution. It needs to be connected to a vacuum tap to suck the water away (with the orange rubber tube).

The man in action. 

Well, this guy connected it to the tap, turned it to the fullest and he heard a noise (like air escaping) but nothing happened. The water didn't get filtered off so he asked, ''why isn't this working?''. I thought he was just being a stupid monkey so I told him to let it wait a bit.

After like 10 minutes, still nothing happened but the whole room was smelling like stinking gas. Turned out he connected it to the gas tap instead of the vacuum tap. At that time, the everyone was fucking dying and the teacher ran over saying, ''Are you trying to gas the whole class??!''.

I got the biggest laughing spasm ever in the most inappropriate situation :3

The 2 taps were right next to each other, except one said GAS and the other said VAC... 

Swear down, if I was a stupid chav and wanted a little spliff in the middle of the lesson, the whole room would have blown up.
So since then, every lesson, we just take every drop of piss out of this certain guy XD
Ok, fine... only I do cos I'm such an immature bastard enit

29th Feb

The 29th of February only happens every 4 years so I just wanna make a list of what I wanna achieve in this gap of 4 years. Maybe in 2016, I'll read this and be like 'wow, I didnt achieve any of these' and laugh. Ok, maybe cry. And slit my wrist.        
ignore negativity.

Anyways, in the next 4 years, I want:
. To be doing a course I will really enjoy in University
. To be partying on a daily (or should I say nightly) basis ;)
. To have more confidence. 5x more? approximately
. To have a car!
. To have a beautiful girlfriend!!
. My family to be happy
. The earth to still exist (cos as y'all know, the world's fucking ending this year, there may not be a 2016 ==' FML)
. To get hencher and have 16 inch arms..........? Ok, I'll settle with 15.5
. To not lose contact with my QM friends (cos I love you guys, no homo, and you girls too)
. My art coursework to be finished. Permanently. Stupid art.
. 3D TV to develop MORE. IMAGINE 3D PORN GUYS... (jk_                  
-or am i? yeah i am.

Whilst I'm making this list, I realised.

The same DATE, 29th of Feb wont happen for 4 years but the day I just had won't happen again. Ever. Cos, lets face it, as we all know, the Tardis doesn't exist... D:
Everyone should be making the most of their days and not miss any opportunities.

It's turning warmer :)
Good: Sunshine, longer days
Bad: Moths and spiders... i'll put my mum on speed-dial. just in case.

Kids are so, so weird...

Me and a few friends go to a weekly school tingy called LAC project, stands for Looked After Children. You go there to help less fortunate kids with homework. Here's just one of the days we were there mentoring these identical twins:

My friend 'Hali', as he would like to be identified as, was teaching the kid how to read. The kid came to the word 'leg' and stopped because he didn't know the word.
Now, if that kid was Chinese, his parents would have beat the 7 shades of poop out of him with a feather duster because being in Year 2 and not knowing how to read 'leg' is just plain stupid.

Hali raised his leg up and pointed at it to indicate that the word was in fact, 'leg'. He put it back down but as soon as you know it, the kid started stroking his lap. Sexually. Whilst reading.
Hali jizzed on the table and he was quickly held down by the surrounding teachers. They phoned 999 later on.

Jk about jizzing, but he made the funniest face ever and he's now the new paedophile of the school. LOLL XD

Part 2. The twins both wore glasses. I don't know how this situation developed but one of the twins took his fucking glasses off and you know the bits of the glasses where it rests on ur nose. He fucking shoved that up his snotty nostrils and IT STAYED. I threw up a bit in my mouth. FUCKKK! I would have slit my wrist but then that would leave a huge mess for cleaners...

It was like this. Except their glasses had the plasticky thingies and it was stuck up their nose...
LOL for  the re-enactment. 

There's more parts to it but I think this post is getting too long and shit.
Why do kids do this shit? I got 3 little brothers but when they were little, they were nowhere near this level. Maybe it's only white kids? My mum used to tell me white people are shit dutty and they only shower once a week.

Or it could be because they're being looked after. If that's the case, I'm sorry twins and I take everything I said back... Ok........ Well.... See you two at LAC next week XD

If you were wondering, this is Hali the paedophile. Kinda ruins the
confidentiality of the whole post  as well as giving him the code name ''Hali'' tbh...

Get out of your comfort zone!

Comfort zone is when you finally get content with the way your life is and you don't want to change, even when you know there are things you can to do improve yourself.

It's human nature to just become content with what you have but being content doesn't necessarily mean being happy. Being content is just fulfilling life's basic minimums whereas being happy is reached by taking it one step further. Only by pursuing your life with passion will you achieve happiness.

Many people stay in the comfort zone because they are afraid that by leaving it, it will worsen their current situation and run into obstacles. That's why they suck dicks for a living.

Everyday, I try and get out of my comfort zone, but it's waaay harder than it sounds. If you're staying in yours, maybe after reading this you'll feel motivated and won't feel like shit anymore. okbye.

Picture of me eating pizza last year. Look at the awesome me now.

Valentines Day

This year's Valentines day, I spent it with my fam. Because Valentines day is about spending time with the ones you love enit... Bare cheesy.
Nah jk, I'm single.......... D:  But I do love my family though! Very cereal.

We went to Cafe Soya in B'ham (cuz we duh classy bitches) and then went bowling across the street.
OH, and then went to the Dentists. Odd way to end a day...
I thrashed my brothers in bowling!! Even though they're like 8... Works for me though XD The best part was at the Dentist, apparently I got no problems with my teeth and I don't need to come back for a year instead of the usual 6 months!! At that point, I wanted to ask for a fucking sticker!!!! :D My teeth are so sick, maybe I'm meant to be a dentist 

My bro was sitting on the bowling ball stand. Thought this was funny...

see, these are my teeth ----> :D    LOL

Girl's hairstyle

I've got a strange confession.

Ever since the beginning of forever, I've had a thing for girls with tied up hair. For example. if you are a ugly bitch and you put your hair down, I'd get instantly de-bonerfied. But if you're an ugly bitch and you tie your hair up, I'd get mega turned on.
Jk, I wouldn't get turned on if you were an ugly bitch. Bad example..... Wait! I'll stop being so shallow. Sorry all you ugly girls out there... Actually NO, if you think the ugly bitch I'm talking about is you, get some self confidence and stop thinking you're ugly. Gosh. Getting off topic...

Good effort on paint though, right?

Anyway, tie your hair up for me please all you chicks out there.

First post

Hi, I'm making a blog for the jokes.
On this blog you can stalk me 24/7. it'll be fun!!!


If you don't know this already, I'm proper forgetful so unless I really want to remember something. I wont. So maybe a few years from now, I can look back on these shitty blog posts I created and laugh at what a skinny phaggot I was. Cool, lets start.

Thought I'd include a pic of me drinking coffee right this second.

and also first posts are gay.